Today’s world is all about images (photos and videos) and the story behind is put aside. I hope that I can help some of you to realize the beauty of your inner self and put aside the before/after picture.
We all want to change something of us and that can be a good thing. Though, many changes are not always visible on pictures and actually the more important ones are from inside. Not everybody can achieve to change their body without pain or health issue. Human body is so complex, hormones, genes, life is not the same for all. Women can have bloating issues, or water retention that change their body meanwhile keeping the same diet and sport routine. Seasons, stress at work, relationships, so many factors influence our mind and body. I do not say we cannot change, we definitely can.
I believe you will be much more happy if you focus on what is happening in your head than trying to get a different body.
I will break this post in 3 parts :
1. Body war
2. Recovery steps
3. New priorities
Let’s start, this week with a bit of my story and what can happen with body image obsession.
My body War
Below you can tell, there is a radical change.
I have suffered from anorexia*, with up and downs from 40 to 53 kilos. During this long period I would see myself as big, I deeply believed that « 50 » was the perfect number. All the rest would fall into place as long the scale did not go over this magic figure.
I suffered from « dismorpho-phobia », this is how it is called. I was not seeing myself in the mirror as I was in reality. My reflection in the mirror was corrected by my mind. And my mind judged this image based on a scale. Not a good friend this scale!
I did not spend a lot of time looking at me, I just felt fat and not good in my skin. My obsession about my weight was the only thing that interested me. I believed that when I would be with the body of the girls on the magazine I would be more confident and happy. I would finally be able to be the best version of myself.
I have been put in hospital to prevent losing even more weight and I tried to heal from anorexia. At this point, I was conscious about my problem. After gaining back the weight, food was still an enemy and I still did not love myself…
My inner, and very critical, voice was leading my life. My mind was persuaded that if I weighted more than 54 kilos I would be big and fat. I was not giving much attention to my health.
Eating was a nightmare, all that was related to food was complex and not linked to pleasure but fear. I could spend hours overthinking of what should I have eat instead of, hours reviewing the menu of this restaurant I have a dinner to go, tracking calories, fat and macros. I learned a lot about food at that time, which is one good thing at least of this part of my life.
Obsession over body image compromises happiness.
You can look good/skinny/whatever but not living fully. I have achieved to maintain this « ideal » weight compromising my relationships with friends and family, disturbing my hormones system, losing sight of my body and feelings.
It did steal me a lot of happiness moments as I was unable to be in the moment. Entering in a restaurant was a complete freak out moment, ordering food made me cry more than once. Regrets over food choice pulled me out of the events I was attending (i.e. wedding, birthday or parties).
I spent too much time trying to control my body weight, losing track of myself. I closed myself to spontaneous joy, I closed the door to a lot of fun being afraid of calories.
I tell you body image is not what should matter.
I overcame this obsession of weight and accepted slowly a different perspective and I will share my journey of recovery in the next post.
∞ emlivelove ∞
*I only was anorexic, not eating or very few and low calorie food, having a strong blockage in front of food. Food even good was public enemy number 1. I never had bulimia and just wanted to mention it.